The past couple of weeks have been very up and down, internally. I've felt exhausted and depressed and peaceful and exhilarated at the same time. Nothing is calm yet. Nothing is resolved. I still haven't found the peace I seek. Every time I think I've put something to rest inside, a provocateur arises from outside. My love was wasted, so was so much effort, not just with him but fighting for him. And in the end I'm still losing. I'm so tired.