Alone

It's Christmas day and I'm home all alone. It's not tooo bad, I'm not drowning in sorrow, but it feels strange.

Maybe what feels unnatural is not being away from Ben, but being alone. Humans are social animals. We've evolved with families and communities.

AND I feel like I'm at an age now where I don't want to be alone and that's a justified feeling. I'm learning life's lessons. I treat people well in relationships. I didn't do anything wrong when it came to the relationship with Ben. It was mostly his struggle that I paid for. So I feel like I don't deserve to be alone. Then why am I suffering it?

I will start seeing other people. I just need a little more time to sort Ben out of my head.

It's starting to feel like I tried with Ben and I'm at the end of the line now. Maybe it's time that I cut off that cord connecting him and me.

Tied

Why does it feel unnatural to be away from him? Am I imagining it, based on the past? It is a game, the chase, or is it something bigger? Is this neuroticism or an instinct? 

It feels unnatural for him to not be in my life. When we don't talk, it feels strange. Unnatural. 

I'm going to hibernate for a few days. Be alone with lots of movies and just hibernate. 

My soul feels so empty. It hasn't been good with Ben for a while. Even in bed things haven't felt the same. But when we don't talk, it feels so unnatural. I don't have the urge to call him right away. But I do feel like I want to connect with him somehow. 

This relationship is not healthy for me. But not being in it feels...... like something's missing.... a part of a whole. 

Free!

Ben and I had a talk today again. And we broke up, again. 

I talked a bit and cried a bit and now feel relieved a lot..... phew. 

So I am lonely. But I'm ok. Feel better than I have in this position in the past. 

Now for me. Time to lose some weight and to enjoy life. At least until I have this confidence... and before I crumble with loneliness again.

Looks like a lonely christmas. Hmmmmmm

Time for some happiness in my life and on this blog. 

storms

Something is up today. Was last night as well.... I'm not sure what, but I suspect it's to do with Ben. Last night I was home alone and lonely and sent him a message saying that today I really missed him... he didn't reply, but I didn't expect one.

More to the point, I saw him today and things were fine. But I got that feeling that things are fading between us. I don't know if it's a phase or for good.

I can't get out of it. I think I should try to just distance myself from him and slowly see if it fades away.

Also yesterday I spoke to Leo. He wont give up, but now speaking to him makes me angry... his constant questioning really really bothers me and gets on my nerves.

There is absolutely no future for me and Leo and I wish he would just get that.

It hasn't all been bad. On Sunday Ben and I both had to work but we took a little break in the afternoon and hung out in the park. It was another BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was very nice and there was a cool breeze and Iwas in total weekend mode. It was great.

More pics from my phone cam

cycles

Was just reading the forecast for november for Ben's star and mine and apparently things are due to change at the end of November. And something sudden and bad related to his career is due in mid December.

I think he'll leave in December and not return. Like I told Leo it's going to be a bit sad, but largely a relief. 

Actually the truth is, I'm really looking forward to him leaving. I know I will be sad. I can see it coming. But my head is telling me that he has to be gone so I can get on with my life. 

I've given him enough. 

Just get away from me.

Leave

I just want Ben to leave. Leave this place and leave me for good. Once he's gone, I'll have nothing to do with him. I don't want to know where or how he is. I just want him to be gone from my life and to free me.

Or for him to stay for good. This in between thing is tying me up  for no reason.

Time

So Ben and I are kinda back together, I guess. We've spent a quite a bit of time together over the past few months and even went away travelling a couple of times. It's been good. Not all the time, but mostly.

Of course when things start to go well, you start to look forward. It occurred to me that in January it'll have been another year of my life standing still with Ben, rather than moving forward, since the last time I though that. I don't know what to do.

I tried to bring up the topic with him and he totally shut me down. So we can't talk about it. Besides, I think if we do talk about it, it's going to end in us breaking up again. But I also feel like I'm getting older and standing still. I'd like to be moving forward. 

Don't know what to do.

No fun without fire

Of course where Ben is concerned there is no such thing as fun without fire... I always have the best fun and always get burned around him.

He said yes in the end, of course, but after a great great night it was all (almost) ruined when Leo called.......and kept calling...... and messaging...... even at 4.45am..... this pissed off Ben like nothing else. He exploded and was truly burning with jealousy. But I wouldn't give in and wouldn't let go and eventually after much screaming and fighting and crying we went back to his place and fell asleep. We spent the day together, in bed, talking, laughing, eating, drinking and of course making love. That was probably the happiest day Ben and I have spent together in all the years of knowing each other. It was probably one of the most memorable days of my life. There was so much love, all true. And we were both reminded of how well we just fit with each other. 

Ofcourse I kind of ended it with Leo after that. We still talk.... and said we'll still hang out... and he thinks we'll still make love, etc., though we haven't since the weekend but I don't know. I don't think so. I knew quite early that I don't have that magic with him. And after the weekend I know that I'm not over Ben, so I can't be with Leo. 

I'm so damn screwed....... but it feels so good to be with him.... AND I've never seen him this happy. Hmpf, I'm getting that intuitive feeling again that there are more dramas and twists and turns to come before he leaves!

Bad cloudy

Ummm so I may have done something bad....... ok, so I did something bad. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday and I've been wanting to do this with him for years now. There's this lookout and we went there once some 3 years ago and said at the time that we should come back and have never been back. So for his birthday I wanted to take him there to see the sunrise. I asked him whether he would be open to the idea and he said no. Then I asked again and he said no again, but wasn't so sure this time.... So this morning I asked again... and he said no again, but was even less sure about saying no...... I think he might say yes eventually...

I'm sure Leo wouldn't like it if he knew... but I think it's over with Leo. And Ben *sigh* I don't know.

Fingers crossed that things will be fun without fire.

The winner is.....

There is this constant tug-of-war in my head between liking and not liking Ben. And it has renewed with new vigour. This is mostly because I've finally admitted to myself that things with Leo will only go so far. He is not one for me for the long run. Nice and funny and fun, yes. But I can't see a future with him. That's ok, because the way things are with him, making a decision about us is not a pressing matter. So it can stay as it is for a little while. 

Ben. So much potential and depth and unspoken understanding. But at the same time he is so troubled. One thing is for sure, nothing can happen until he has some kind of profound revelation about himself. And the problem is, I don't think he will have a revelation. That requires a miracle and those don't exist. I have to un-obsess. Even if he wanted to be with me and I with him, nothing would improve. Life would not move forward. That's a function solely of him, not of me or our circumstances. 

I just with I knew how not to be so restless. So there is no winner, just a loser, and that's me :-(

Beautiful

Was walking home after getting some groceries today and realised that it was a stunningly beautiful day. So instead of going home I took a turn and headed for the park and just lay there in the grass. 

I was SO happy..... somehow happy doesn't seem like the right word.... more like peaceful, satisfied, kinda like content. I was intending to stay for a few minutes but ended up staying for almost 3 hours.

I think the positive feelings from that still haven't left me. It's like the day left me with a inner smile and it's still there. Is it possible that things are taking a turn for the better in my life?? :-)

These pics were taken with my phone camera.

Intuition

Something's up. I can feel it. I was at work early this morning and was getting into the lift and I just had a moment. A fleeting idea/thought/feeling. Like a warning to be aware. Like something's up.

This happens to me sometimes. I think it's intuition. Not sure what it means, but I can feel it. The day feels weird somehow. It also scares me because it's like a warning that something might be about to happen. 

hurt

Ben has turned into a psycho bitch. I was so upset yesterday. This whole business with his stereo being returned and so on.... he actually asked me for money for it. Three years vanished in one sms message. He's hurting so much?? Why did he break up with me?? He's so damn messed up. I've seen him upset before, but not like this!

Of course these events make me think... what if we had stayed together and had kids and so on. If something bad would've happened then, or if we'd had a fight would he behave like this then? In front of them? I guess it is better that I'm seeing this side of him now. 

Anyway, I wrote him this email just now. I'm so down about this whole thing. How can you love someone, have something so beautiful and then it ends like this????

I don't think he'll reply. Maybe with just a one-liner - "just give it back" or something. Who knows.....

special birthday

Last weekend was Leo's birthday... met a whole lot of his friends, had a great time, came home at 7 am and had crazy wild sex, fell asleep for a few hours, went home for a little while, then went back to his place and hung out on the floor watching dvds with him lying next to me with one arm around me :-) I'm still glowing from the weekend. 

In the meanwhile, Ben is pissed off! Like really pissed off. He's been angry since he saw me and Leo walking down the street. Apparently he was only about a metre away from me and I didn't see him. To be honest I'm not sure why he's angry. Is it all jealousy or does he still love me?

My bet is on jealousy. But I also know that if he was is my shoes he would've done nothing differently. And the next important question is, do I still love him? We had SUCH a connection, but he's such an asshole sometimes. In an ideal world, he would go away, have some crazy life-changing experiences, become normal again and then come back and find me. But in the real world what's most likely to happen is that he'll leave at the end of the year and I will not meet him ever again... 

Will I meet someone I love that like that ever again? Also unlikely. I just hope I meet someone I really love and who loves me. Deeply, truly. The thing with Leo, it's not for the sex. If I wanted just that, I could've had it with Ben. It's about the companionship. I waited for that from Ben for 3 years while he fucked around. It's time to move forward now. 

Drama King Ben!

Oh my GOD!!! So, Will never called on Saturday. Neither did he reply to my messages or phone calls. Typical. I think I'm done with that. Enough bull shit.

Anyway, Cute Leo and I were on a date last night, walking through the city, and were apparently spotted by Ben! I didn't see him, but he must've been very close because he then sent me a message commenting on Leo's shirt. But Leo was wearing a sweater, so him to see the shirt, he must've been pretty damn close to us. Damn! So he's pretty upset. I'm not tooo surprised by that, I guess. But HE broke up with ME. So how the hell can he be upset?!?!?!

I had to tell Leo about Ben.... I don't think he's 100% comfortable with that... but I'm happier for him to know what's happening.

The truth is, somewhere deep down i think I'm not over Ben. I hope I will get over it because this just cannot continue! He's too messed up to be with anyone right now. Either he has to sort it out and get back with me or I have to just move on.

The sad news is, I think I'm starting to get bored of Leo already...... it's not even 2 weeks yet!! Shit shit. 

Still hurts

Cute Leo is very cute :-) Met him on Friday for the first time.....then again on saturday........ then again on Sunday........ then again on Wednesday....... and I can't wait to see him again! Cute looking and cute personality. 

In the meanwhile Will calls at 1am one night. I don't hear the phone. The guy as good as disappears off the face of the earth for a month and then randomly calls. Turns out he saw me on the street one day and wasn't sure it was me. So he thought of me and called. He wants to meet tomorrow. Well, I'll believe it when it happens. Flaky character when it comes to communication. On one had we had so much friggin instant chemistry but on the other he just stopped talking. I wonder what the deal is with him. Maybe he has a girlfriend or his ex came back into his life.... who knows. Maybe, maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

Anyway, cute Leo... don't know what's going to happen there. I'm a little excited and a little happy and a little scared.

Thinking of Ben still hurts. I will just return his gear and stop talking to him. What the hell was wrong with me back in March to give him another chance!?!?!?!

 

eclipse time!

There's a good feeling in the air. Looks like it's going to storm outside. There's a solar eclipse later tonight.... There's a good good feeling in the air. 

Time to let things go. To move on. To go on a date with a cute Leo. 

Change is afoot! Let go!!!!!!!

Floating through time

I can't seem to get Ben out of my mind. In actual fact, he was quite a jerk most of the time. And if I think back, I probably spent more of the time being unhappy than being truly happy. The good times were just so high and the bad so low. It's the drama that seems to amplify what we had in my mind. My brain keeps telling me it was actually not that good. We have a lot of potential, but the world doesn't just work on potential. There have to be actions. 

It's like that story from Chicken soup for the soul - "what you're doing speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you're saying". And by that, what he was doing was screaming "messed up, haven't figured myself out, very low self esteem that I try to boost by either putting other people down or by sleeping with many women". Then why was I so attracted to him? Why can't I get him out of my mind? The sad and confronting truth is that it's because a)I became addicted to the drama of it all, b) I've forgotten what I was by myself before I met him. 3 years of being with him managed to do that to me (Imagine what a lifetime would've been like!) and c) he's extremely emotionally manipulative and I fell for it. And I think there were some times that really were very good. 

It's like Nikki Gemmell says in Pleasure, "I went back again and again. Just as I extricating myself he'd call and sleep with me and the spiral of exhilaration and terror would begin all over again. He was the rock upon which I would break and break". It's as if it was written about me! And that's sad. 

To pull myself out of this emotionally will take time. But the alternative isn't really an alternative. Time is the only answer. And patience for myself. I still maintain that we have so much potential, but of course, the world doesn't run on potential.

Diary of a lonely cloud

I'm stuck. This feels like a rut but it's the same rut from years ago. A deep sense of dissatisfaction. Like I keep trying to find the thing that will bring me peace and warmth inside, but just can't seem to find it. I'm lonely. Deeply lonely. I am dating guys but none of them are it. It just doesn't click. With Ben there's the potential for something really good, but he's not in the right place in life for it, even if he wanted a relationship. Friends aren't working. I don't have the energy for Sophie's immaturity and frankly no patience to justify my private life to anyone, which seems necessary to be in a friendship.

Work is going, but so. damn. slowly. The answer probably is to stick with work. To throw myself into it. That is mostly what I'm doing, but the problem is that time when I come home after a long day. Most days I'm tired as hell and am happy to just watch a movie and then head to bed. But the other times when I'm restless I just want to talk to someone. I mean really TALK. And smile with someone. And share something warm. Those times I'm really lonely. 

There's a part in every adult's heart that cannot be filled by friends and family or with hobbies and shiny new gadgets. All those things will just temporarily distract you, but eventually your mind will return to that void. And the pain and emptiness will be back.