The past couple of weeks have been very up and down, internally. I've felt exhausted and depressed and peaceful and exhilarated at the same time. Nothing is calm yet. Nothing is resolved. I still haven't found the peace I seek. Every time I think I've put something to rest inside, a provocateur arises from outside. My love was wasted, so was so much effort, not just with him but fighting for him. And in the end I'm still losing. I'm so tired.

chaos and silence

It's not just me.... the last couple of weeks have been intense for so many people I know. M's 4-year relationship ended. C's engagement broke off, then P came back asking her to take him back - and all the drama associated with that. D's relationship with S is facing some serious questions... they have to be answered otherwise the future will be always shaky. MH quit her job cos she can't bear to work for R anymore, but R is upset and angry and baffled. JH has been so so angry with JR and again, JR seems not to know where it's all coming from... he's baffled too. And of course there's me and Ben and our drama. Not to mention I heard from MW and RS last week and I got back in touch with AS after him not talking to me for a year. Talk about intense!!! I'm exhausted. 

But I have to say, today, after my earlier post I feel the ground under my feet again. Like something clicked into place in my brain. He didn't really hurt me without my consent... he did hurt me, but I was willing too, for FOUR BLOODY YEARS!!! There's some kind of relief in taking responsibility. It's like I know now... and accept I made a mistake and I shouldn't do it again. I feel something like peace.... it's not quite peace..... stillness, maybe. Yeah, stillness. 

all the way down

Last year I saw the movie 'Once' and fell totally in love with the music. Of course the main song went on to win the best song oscar. But this one from the soundtrack spoke to something personal and intimate and hidden.

So sad to think that I identify with this. This stupid blog has become a chronicle of my fall into depths of darkness. Sometimes I think, entirely self-inflicted. I had the choice to walk away and I didn't. That's so pathetic of me. In a way he's right. I can't blame him at all. I want him to stop and take responsibility but I don't do so myself for the choices I made. Poor poor choices and poor poor character judging. And really if I didn't like it so much, if he caused me so much agony why did I keep going back? Why did I subject myself to it? This is not an excuse for him for treating me badly, he still absolutely should not have. But I also should not have treated me so badly. Why did it take so long for that light bulb to go off in my head?

You have broken me all the way down,
down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.