eclipse time!

There's a good feeling in the air. Looks like it's going to storm outside. There's a solar eclipse later tonight.... There's a good good feeling in the air. 

Time to let things go. To move on. To go on a date with a cute Leo. 

Change is afoot! Let go!!!!!!!

Floating through time

I can't seem to get Ben out of my mind. In actual fact, he was quite a jerk most of the time. And if I think back, I probably spent more of the time being unhappy than being truly happy. The good times were just so high and the bad so low. It's the drama that seems to amplify what we had in my mind. My brain keeps telling me it was actually not that good. We have a lot of potential, but the world doesn't just work on potential. There have to be actions. 

It's like that story from Chicken soup for the soul - "what you're doing speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you're saying". And by that, what he was doing was screaming "messed up, haven't figured myself out, very low self esteem that I try to boost by either putting other people down or by sleeping with many women". Then why was I so attracted to him? Why can't I get him out of my mind? The sad and confronting truth is that it's because a)I became addicted to the drama of it all, b) I've forgotten what I was by myself before I met him. 3 years of being with him managed to do that to me (Imagine what a lifetime would've been like!) and c) he's extremely emotionally manipulative and I fell for it. And I think there were some times that really were very good. 

It's like Nikki Gemmell says in Pleasure, "I went back again and again. Just as I extricating myself he'd call and sleep with me and the spiral of exhilaration and terror would begin all over again. He was the rock upon which I would break and break". It's as if it was written about me! And that's sad. 

To pull myself out of this emotionally will take time. But the alternative isn't really an alternative. Time is the only answer. And patience for myself. I still maintain that we have so much potential, but of course, the world doesn't run on potential.

Diary of a lonely cloud

I'm stuck. This feels like a rut but it's the same rut from years ago. A deep sense of dissatisfaction. Like I keep trying to find the thing that will bring me peace and warmth inside, but just can't seem to find it. I'm lonely. Deeply lonely. I am dating guys but none of them are it. It just doesn't click. With Ben there's the potential for something really good, but he's not in the right place in life for it, even if he wanted a relationship. Friends aren't working. I don't have the energy for Sophie's immaturity and frankly no patience to justify my private life to anyone, which seems necessary to be in a friendship.

Work is going, but so. damn. slowly. The answer probably is to stick with work. To throw myself into it. That is mostly what I'm doing, but the problem is that time when I come home after a long day. Most days I'm tired as hell and am happy to just watch a movie and then head to bed. But the other times when I'm restless I just want to talk to someone. I mean really TALK. And smile with someone. And share something warm. Those times I'm really lonely. 

There's a part in every adult's heart that cannot be filled by friends and family or with hobbies and shiny new gadgets. All those things will just temporarily distract you, but eventually your mind will return to that void. And the pain and emptiness will be back.