a date

I have a date with destiny.... it's April 9th. Ben booked his ticket finally and he's leaving on April 9th. Almost exactly 4 years after we met.

I feel a strange mix of emotions... mostly fear of the unknown. I've changed a lot in the last 4 years and during everything in that time he's always been around, mostly in the foreground but also in the background. I haven't really known myself without him in 4 years.

Maybe all the cliches about singledom are true... it allows you to get to know yourself. But also remember, dear universe, that I don't need forever to know myself :-) I'd like a companion too.

In the mean while, I had a meeting with my boss about the direction of my work for the next year. He was enthusiastic and I think I have his support for my ideas. Now I need to put my head down and butt up and just keep moving forward. Oh please god let that be stable. I can handle my personal life falling apart if some other aspect of my life stays stable.

I have to trust the universe that things are taken care of... it's hard to do... this kind of trust with my life, not trying to control and direct it is hard. I found this poem the other day and it sums it up well.

It’s rigged — everything, in your favor.

So there is nothing to worry about.
Is there some position you want,


some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,


maybe two, maybe three, maybe four — all at once,

maybe a relationship


with

God?

I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it

the wonderment of the earth’s gifts

you will lay aside


as naturally as does

a child a

doll.

But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal:


comfort, fulfill yourself,


in any way possible — do that until

you ache, until you ache,

then come to me


again.



– Rumi

time

Sad but true: I'm almost counting down the days till Ben leaves for good. I know I'm going to be sad. Such a big chapter of my life will end. But then again, for the next chapter to start, this has to end, he has to leave, since he doesn't want any part in the next one.

I'll wake up once he's gone and realise I'm standing alone somewhere..... Scary to think of it. But it's also a relief to think that once he IS gone, things will be more peaceful. The problem with the relationship with him is that knowing that there's no future is so crushing. Everything feels futile. There's not even a reason to feel jealous anymore.

I have no idea what it's going to be like, to be honest. I have a feeling that it might be worse than I expect. Bad things often are..... will just have to wait and see. And remember the bad times as well as the good...


In the meanwhile, went to Luna Park on the weekend. Was lots and lots of fun. Pics from phone below

The crazy face at night..

The bridge from the ferris wheel. I loooooveee ferris wheels!!