cycles

Was just reading the forecast for november for Ben's star and mine and apparently things are due to change at the end of November. And something sudden and bad related to his career is due in mid December.

I think he'll leave in December and not return. Like I told Leo it's going to be a bit sad, but largely a relief. 

Actually the truth is, I'm really looking forward to him leaving. I know I will be sad. I can see it coming. But my head is telling me that he has to be gone so I can get on with my life. 

I've given him enough. 

Just get away from me.

Leave

I just want Ben to leave. Leave this place and leave me for good. Once he's gone, I'll have nothing to do with him. I don't want to know where or how he is. I just want him to be gone from my life and to free me.

Or for him to stay for good. This in between thing is tying me up  for no reason.

Time

So Ben and I are kinda back together, I guess. We've spent a quite a bit of time together over the past few months and even went away travelling a couple of times. It's been good. Not all the time, but mostly.

Of course when things start to go well, you start to look forward. It occurred to me that in January it'll have been another year of my life standing still with Ben, rather than moving forward, since the last time I though that. I don't know what to do.

I tried to bring up the topic with him and he totally shut me down. So we can't talk about it. Besides, I think if we do talk about it, it's going to end in us breaking up again. But I also feel like I'm getting older and standing still. I'd like to be moving forward. 

Don't know what to do.