Bad cloudy

Ummm so I may have done something bad....... ok, so I did something bad. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday and I've been wanting to do this with him for years now. There's this lookout and we went there once some 3 years ago and said at the time that we should come back and have never been back. So for his birthday I wanted to take him there to see the sunrise. I asked him whether he would be open to the idea and he said no. Then I asked again and he said no again, but wasn't so sure this time.... So this morning I asked again... and he said no again, but was even less sure about saying no...... I think he might say yes eventually...

I'm sure Leo wouldn't like it if he knew... but I think it's over with Leo. And Ben *sigh* I don't know.

Fingers crossed that things will be fun without fire.

The winner is.....

There is this constant tug-of-war in my head between liking and not liking Ben. And it has renewed with new vigour. This is mostly because I've finally admitted to myself that things with Leo will only go so far. He is not one for me for the long run. Nice and funny and fun, yes. But I can't see a future with him. That's ok, because the way things are with him, making a decision about us is not a pressing matter. So it can stay as it is for a little while. 

Ben. So much potential and depth and unspoken understanding. But at the same time he is so troubled. One thing is for sure, nothing can happen until he has some kind of profound revelation about himself. And the problem is, I don't think he will have a revelation. That requires a miracle and those don't exist. I have to un-obsess. Even if he wanted to be with me and I with him, nothing would improve. Life would not move forward. That's a function solely of him, not of me or our circumstances. 

I just with I knew how not to be so restless. So there is no winner, just a loser, and that's me :-(

Beautiful

Was walking home after getting some groceries today and realised that it was a stunningly beautiful day. So instead of going home I took a turn and headed for the park and just lay there in the grass. 

I was SO happy..... somehow happy doesn't seem like the right word.... more like peaceful, satisfied, kinda like content. I was intending to stay for a few minutes but ended up staying for almost 3 hours.

I think the positive feelings from that still haven't left me. It's like the day left me with a inner smile and it's still there. Is it possible that things are taking a turn for the better in my life?? :-)

These pics were taken with my phone camera.

Intuition

Something's up. I can feel it. I was at work early this morning and was getting into the lift and I just had a moment. A fleeting idea/thought/feeling. Like a warning to be aware. Like something's up.

This happens to me sometimes. I think it's intuition. Not sure what it means, but I can feel it. The day feels weird somehow. It also scares me because it's like a warning that something might be about to happen. 

hurt

Ben has turned into a psycho bitch. I was so upset yesterday. This whole business with his stereo being returned and so on.... he actually asked me for money for it. Three years vanished in one sms message. He's hurting so much?? Why did he break up with me?? He's so damn messed up. I've seen him upset before, but not like this!

Of course these events make me think... what if we had stayed together and had kids and so on. If something bad would've happened then, or if we'd had a fight would he behave like this then? In front of them? I guess it is better that I'm seeing this side of him now. 

Anyway, I wrote him this email just now. I'm so down about this whole thing. How can you love someone, have something so beautiful and then it ends like this????

I don't think he'll reply. Maybe with just a one-liner - "just give it back" or something. Who knows.....

special birthday

Last weekend was Leo's birthday... met a whole lot of his friends, had a great time, came home at 7 am and had crazy wild sex, fell asleep for a few hours, went home for a little while, then went back to his place and hung out on the floor watching dvds with him lying next to me with one arm around me :-) I'm still glowing from the weekend. 

In the meanwhile, Ben is pissed off! Like really pissed off. He's been angry since he saw me and Leo walking down the street. Apparently he was only about a metre away from me and I didn't see him. To be honest I'm not sure why he's angry. Is it all jealousy or does he still love me?

My bet is on jealousy. But I also know that if he was is my shoes he would've done nothing differently. And the next important question is, do I still love him? We had SUCH a connection, but he's such an asshole sometimes. In an ideal world, he would go away, have some crazy life-changing experiences, become normal again and then come back and find me. But in the real world what's most likely to happen is that he'll leave at the end of the year and I will not meet him ever again... 

Will I meet someone I love that like that ever again? Also unlikely. I just hope I meet someone I really love and who loves me. Deeply, truly. The thing with Leo, it's not for the sex. If I wanted just that, I could've had it with Ben. It's about the companionship. I waited for that from Ben for 3 years while he fucked around. It's time to move forward now. 

Drama King Ben!

Oh my GOD!!! So, Will never called on Saturday. Neither did he reply to my messages or phone calls. Typical. I think I'm done with that. Enough bull shit.

Anyway, Cute Leo and I were on a date last night, walking through the city, and were apparently spotted by Ben! I didn't see him, but he must've been very close because he then sent me a message commenting on Leo's shirt. But Leo was wearing a sweater, so him to see the shirt, he must've been pretty damn close to us. Damn! So he's pretty upset. I'm not tooo surprised by that, I guess. But HE broke up with ME. So how the hell can he be upset?!?!?!

I had to tell Leo about Ben.... I don't think he's 100% comfortable with that... but I'm happier for him to know what's happening.

The truth is, somewhere deep down i think I'm not over Ben. I hope I will get over it because this just cannot continue! He's too messed up to be with anyone right now. Either he has to sort it out and get back with me or I have to just move on.

The sad news is, I think I'm starting to get bored of Leo already...... it's not even 2 weeks yet!! Shit shit. 

Still hurts

Cute Leo is very cute :-) Met him on Friday for the first time.....then again on saturday........ then again on Sunday........ then again on Wednesday....... and I can't wait to see him again! Cute looking and cute personality. 

In the meanwhile Will calls at 1am one night. I don't hear the phone. The guy as good as disappears off the face of the earth for a month and then randomly calls. Turns out he saw me on the street one day and wasn't sure it was me. So he thought of me and called. He wants to meet tomorrow. Well, I'll believe it when it happens. Flaky character when it comes to communication. On one had we had so much friggin instant chemistry but on the other he just stopped talking. I wonder what the deal is with him. Maybe he has a girlfriend or his ex came back into his life.... who knows. Maybe, maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

Anyway, cute Leo... don't know what's going to happen there. I'm a little excited and a little happy and a little scared.

Thinking of Ben still hurts. I will just return his gear and stop talking to him. What the hell was wrong with me back in March to give him another chance!?!?!?!