The point

It's been a long while since I've written. So much has happened. Boy and I are now together. Except he lives really really far away. I've been there to visit him, twice. But still the distance....

It's been 9 months since we've been together, but we've only really spent 3 of those together in one place... that too cumulatively. We keep saying to each other we have something good. Something solid. But I'm not so sure anymore.

I like him. A lot. In fact, I think I love him. And he tells me he loves me too. But things haven't been the same since I last went there. I'm staring to doubt whether he really feels that way. The difficulty is, there has been no one thing he has said or done that I can point to that makes me think this, but somehow, there's something. Something subtle. The little things that really make me wonder.... Maybe it's the stress of everyday life and nothing more. Maybe we've just gotten out of the honeymoon period and this is real life. I don't know....

If there isn't something wonderful what's the point of doing this distance thing then...???

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness..... truth, beauty and a picture of you....

Wow it's been so so long since I've been on. What a whirlwind few months!

After Ben's departure I had a month totally to myself. It was tough. Lots of confusing and depressing things to deal with. It's well and good that I accept that I was responsible for a lot of the shit he put me through, but I still went through the shit. The disappointment, the lies, the cheating and the profound hurt.....but still, it was the tail-end of cyclone Ben. It was purging of him from me and from my life. And then, just as if on cue arrives Boy into my life.

Boy is a friend of a friend who I've been hearing about for a couple of years. Apparently Boy saw a pic of me on facebook around two years ago and was interested but I was busy dealing with Ben at the time. Turns out Boy met someone else in the meanwhile, then went overseas for a while, broke up with the someone else and returned to visit his old home town. That's when we met, and did we meet! We were out having drinks when he arrived around 9pm to meet our mutual friend. We were being set up and we both knew it and were curious to see how it would go. We started talking around nine and didn't stop, literally didn't stop till about 4am! We were still with the group for most of that time and we went to 3 other bars and a McDonalds on the way, some of them got into a fight with someone at McD, we gained people and lost people from the group, but the two of us hardly noticed. We were becoming more and more entranced with each other.

Eventually it was just the two of us left and we ended up at some crap bar at 1am and got closer and closer. He kissed me, I had my legs draped across his lap and my head resting on his shoulder. He was a gentleman but with the right amount of boldness. I liked it! A lot! I left feeling like I was on a cloud. He messaged me on the way home, I went home and slept like a baby.

The next night I was supposed to be meeting Leo for a drink. Maybe we can be friends, I thought. Earlier in the day I had a date with another boy I'd met a week before I met Boy, Manni. Between the two boys though I managed to see Boy for a few mins. It was just on the street and we just met quickly, hugged and said hi and bye but I think I needed it. To remind me that the night before was real. It wasn't just two drunk and lonely people happening to meet at the right time. We really had something.

The next day I had a date with Boy. A real one. We talked and sat in the sun and kissed and kissed and kissed. I was that butterflies in the stomach kinda magic. It was the beginning. The next few weeks were just perfect fun. We met almost everyday. The sex was fun and the cooking was awesome. We laughed a LOT and joked a lot and discovered that we have a lot of things in common, including what we want out of our futures.

Boy was in town for a total of 5 weeks. I went to the airport to say goodbye to him and I really was afraid of losing him. I almost wished I hadn't met him cos you know, I don't believe in long distance relationships. You can't have those after just 5 weeks anyway. He left, we hugged, and said we'd see each other again soon. He got home and somehow we've managed to keep in touch all this time. I'm not sure how it's all working out so far. I'm still pleasantly amazed when i receive an email or phone call from him. He is soooo far away and we were only together in person for 5 weeks, but I miss him. I miss seeing him and laughing with him and telling him about my day and waking up next to him.

The plan is to see each other again in October. *sigh* I can't wait, but I am also afraid. He's really good looking and women do throw themselves at him. He says he's waiting for me and I believe him, but he's a young, funny, fun good looking man and I'm afraid...... but also excited :-)

It's scary cos sometimes I really wonder if I'm in love with him, then catch myself thinking like that and feel totally stupid. How can you be in love with someone you've only been around in person for 5 weeks?! And how can you know for sure he'll wait. We have trust, but I just don't know him that well yet. And this kinda good happy cute thing doesn't happen to me. It hasn't yet. I'm trying to protect myself but keeping a mild distance, but I still catch myself smiling when I think of him. And i miss him and i hope like hell he feels the same way!

The lyrics are from a song by the Whitlams

A letter to you on a cassette
'Cause we don't write anymore
Gotta make it up quickly
There's people asleep on the second floor
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth beauty and a picture of you
You'll be walking your dog in a few hours
I'll be asleep in my brother's house
You're a thousand miles away
With food between your teeth
Come up for summer I've got a place near the beach
There's room for your dog
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth beauty and a picture of you
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Youth truth beauty fame boredom and a bottle of pills
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
You shouldn't leave me alone
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Bare feet like a tom-boy and a crooked smile
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence
Saturday and a picture of you
A letter to you on a cassette
You shouldn't leave me alone
Forty shaved sexy wants to do it all day
With a gun-totin' trigger-happy tranny named Kinky Rene
Tired teacher twenty-eight seeks regular meetings for masculine muscular nappy-clad brutal breeding
While his wife rough-wrestles with a puppy all aquiver
on a wine-soaked strobe-lit Asiatic hall of mirrors and a dash of loneliness
There's no aphrodisiac quite like it
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence impunity and a picture of you
I got a video set-up me love you short time she pay me suck his finger with some fine wine

The past couple of weeks have been very up and down, internally. I've felt exhausted and depressed and peaceful and exhilarated at the same time. Nothing is calm yet. Nothing is resolved. I still haven't found the peace I seek. Every time I think I've put something to rest inside, a provocateur arises from outside. My love was wasted, so was so much effort, not just with him but fighting for him. And in the end I'm still losing. I'm so tired.

chaos and silence

It's not just me.... the last couple of weeks have been intense for so many people I know. M's 4-year relationship ended. C's engagement broke off, then P came back asking her to take him back - and all the drama associated with that. D's relationship with S is facing some serious questions... they have to be answered otherwise the future will be always shaky. MH quit her job cos she can't bear to work for R anymore, but R is upset and angry and baffled. JH has been so so angry with JR and again, JR seems not to know where it's all coming from... he's baffled too. And of course there's me and Ben and our drama. Not to mention I heard from MW and RS last week and I got back in touch with AS after him not talking to me for a year. Talk about intense!!! I'm exhausted. 

But I have to say, today, after my earlier post I feel the ground under my feet again. Like something clicked into place in my brain. He didn't really hurt me without my consent... he did hurt me, but I was willing too, for FOUR BLOODY YEARS!!! There's some kind of relief in taking responsibility. It's like I know now... and accept I made a mistake and I shouldn't do it again. I feel something like peace.... it's not quite peace..... stillness, maybe. Yeah, stillness. 

all the way down

Last year I saw the movie 'Once' and fell totally in love with the music. Of course the main song went on to win the best song oscar. But this one from the soundtrack spoke to something personal and intimate and hidden.

So sad to think that I identify with this. This stupid blog has become a chronicle of my fall into depths of darkness. Sometimes I think, entirely self-inflicted. I had the choice to walk away and I didn't. That's so pathetic of me. In a way he's right. I can't blame him at all. I want him to stop and take responsibility but I don't do so myself for the choices I made. Poor poor choices and poor poor character judging. And really if I didn't like it so much, if he caused me so much agony why did I keep going back? Why did I subject myself to it? This is not an excuse for him for treating me badly, he still absolutely should not have. But I also should not have treated me so badly. Why did it take so long for that light bulb to go off in my head?

You have broken me all the way down,
down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

a date

I have a date with destiny.... it's April 9th. Ben booked his ticket finally and he's leaving on April 9th. Almost exactly 4 years after we met.

I feel a strange mix of emotions... mostly fear of the unknown. I've changed a lot in the last 4 years and during everything in that time he's always been around, mostly in the foreground but also in the background. I haven't really known myself without him in 4 years.

Maybe all the cliches about singledom are true... it allows you to get to know yourself. But also remember, dear universe, that I don't need forever to know myself :-) I'd like a companion too.

In the mean while, I had a meeting with my boss about the direction of my work for the next year. He was enthusiastic and I think I have his support for my ideas. Now I need to put my head down and butt up and just keep moving forward. Oh please god let that be stable. I can handle my personal life falling apart if some other aspect of my life stays stable.

I have to trust the universe that things are taken care of... it's hard to do... this kind of trust with my life, not trying to control and direct it is hard. I found this poem the other day and it sums it up well.

It’s rigged — everything, in your favor.

So there is nothing to worry about.
Is there some position you want,


some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,


maybe two, maybe three, maybe four — all at once,

maybe a relationship


with

God?

I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it

the wonderment of the earth’s gifts

you will lay aside


as naturally as does

a child a

doll.

But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal:


comfort, fulfill yourself,


in any way possible — do that until

you ache, until you ache,

then come to me


again.



– Rumi

time

Sad but true: I'm almost counting down the days till Ben leaves for good. I know I'm going to be sad. Such a big chapter of my life will end. But then again, for the next chapter to start, this has to end, he has to leave, since he doesn't want any part in the next one.

I'll wake up once he's gone and realise I'm standing alone somewhere..... Scary to think of it. But it's also a relief to think that once he IS gone, things will be more peaceful. The problem with the relationship with him is that knowing that there's no future is so crushing. Everything feels futile. There's not even a reason to feel jealous anymore.

I have no idea what it's going to be like, to be honest. I have a feeling that it might be worse than I expect. Bad things often are..... will just have to wait and see. And remember the bad times as well as the good...


In the meanwhile, went to Luna Park on the weekend. Was lots and lots of fun. Pics from phone below

The crazy face at night..

The bridge from the ferris wheel. I loooooveee ferris wheels!!

Final words

I'm sad today. Not in a teary way, but more like a sadness in the pit of my stomach. A disappointment, a loss, hurt so big and so deep. It's not about letting him go anymore, but about protecting my insides from him.

It's amazing.... the final stab of the knife is not a word said in rage in the heat of the moment, but one uttered quietly in an unguarded instant. A compromise. Apparently that's what I am.

What do you SAY to that?

Balance

Tell me that there is balance in the Universe. 

Tell me.

Show me, assure me. I need to know that there is balance in the Universe..... I just need to know. 

It was a full moon last night... was too cloudy to see it but I saw it the night before. Astrologically Saturn is retrograde (till May) and so is Mercury and we're due another Saturn/Uranus opposition in Feb... great!

Full moons are always rough times emotionally for me and this one lived up to expectations. I found out something Ben did that made me really upset and lose some respect for him. It showed me that he doesn't live by principles.... and I do. So yesterday I was torn between just telling him I'm seeing someone and don't want to talk to him anymore and just going along with it till April till he leaves.... I had it all planned until I saw him and then lost my courage and conviction. Damn!

I think I just need to jump... take a leap and say it to him and that's it. Walk away like I did exactly one year ago. I can't believe I spent another year on him... Wednesday might be the day.

Also eclipse coming on the 26th then another one in Feb..... more upheavals ahead.

Anyway, I went to this brief cruise in the harbour on Saturday. The weather was beautiful and it was a pleasant day. Pics from my phone below...

Alone

It's Christmas day and I'm home all alone. It's not tooo bad, I'm not drowning in sorrow, but it feels strange.

Maybe what feels unnatural is not being away from Ben, but being alone. Humans are social animals. We've evolved with families and communities.

AND I feel like I'm at an age now where I don't want to be alone and that's a justified feeling. I'm learning life's lessons. I treat people well in relationships. I didn't do anything wrong when it came to the relationship with Ben. It was mostly his struggle that I paid for. So I feel like I don't deserve to be alone. Then why am I suffering it?

I will start seeing other people. I just need a little more time to sort Ben out of my head.

It's starting to feel like I tried with Ben and I'm at the end of the line now. Maybe it's time that I cut off that cord connecting him and me.

Tied

Why does it feel unnatural to be away from him? Am I imagining it, based on the past? It is a game, the chase, or is it something bigger? Is this neuroticism or an instinct? 

It feels unnatural for him to not be in my life. When we don't talk, it feels strange. Unnatural. 

I'm going to hibernate for a few days. Be alone with lots of movies and just hibernate. 

My soul feels so empty. It hasn't been good with Ben for a while. Even in bed things haven't felt the same. But when we don't talk, it feels so unnatural. I don't have the urge to call him right away. But I do feel like I want to connect with him somehow. 

This relationship is not healthy for me. But not being in it feels...... like something's missing.... a part of a whole. 

Free!

Ben and I had a talk today again. And we broke up, again. 

I talked a bit and cried a bit and now feel relieved a lot..... phew. 

So I am lonely. But I'm ok. Feel better than I have in this position in the past. 

Now for me. Time to lose some weight and to enjoy life. At least until I have this confidence... and before I crumble with loneliness again.

Looks like a lonely christmas. Hmmmmmm

Time for some happiness in my life and on this blog. 

storms

Something is up today. Was last night as well.... I'm not sure what, but I suspect it's to do with Ben. Last night I was home alone and lonely and sent him a message saying that today I really missed him... he didn't reply, but I didn't expect one.

More to the point, I saw him today and things were fine. But I got that feeling that things are fading between us. I don't know if it's a phase or for good.

I can't get out of it. I think I should try to just distance myself from him and slowly see if it fades away.

Also yesterday I spoke to Leo. He wont give up, but now speaking to him makes me angry... his constant questioning really really bothers me and gets on my nerves.

There is absolutely no future for me and Leo and I wish he would just get that.

It hasn't all been bad. On Sunday Ben and I both had to work but we took a little break in the afternoon and hung out in the park. It was another BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was very nice and there was a cool breeze and Iwas in total weekend mode. It was great.

More pics from my phone cam

cycles

Was just reading the forecast for november for Ben's star and mine and apparently things are due to change at the end of November. And something sudden and bad related to his career is due in mid December.

I think he'll leave in December and not return. Like I told Leo it's going to be a bit sad, but largely a relief. 

Actually the truth is, I'm really looking forward to him leaving. I know I will be sad. I can see it coming. But my head is telling me that he has to be gone so I can get on with my life. 

I've given him enough. 

Just get away from me.

Leave

I just want Ben to leave. Leave this place and leave me for good. Once he's gone, I'll have nothing to do with him. I don't want to know where or how he is. I just want him to be gone from my life and to free me.

Or for him to stay for good. This in between thing is tying me up  for no reason.

Time

So Ben and I are kinda back together, I guess. We've spent a quite a bit of time together over the past few months and even went away travelling a couple of times. It's been good. Not all the time, but mostly.

Of course when things start to go well, you start to look forward. It occurred to me that in January it'll have been another year of my life standing still with Ben, rather than moving forward, since the last time I though that. I don't know what to do.

I tried to bring up the topic with him and he totally shut me down. So we can't talk about it. Besides, I think if we do talk about it, it's going to end in us breaking up again. But I also feel like I'm getting older and standing still. I'd like to be moving forward. 

Don't know what to do.

No fun without fire

Of course where Ben is concerned there is no such thing as fun without fire... I always have the best fun and always get burned around him.

He said yes in the end, of course, but after a great great night it was all (almost) ruined when Leo called.......and kept calling...... and messaging...... even at 4.45am..... this pissed off Ben like nothing else. He exploded and was truly burning with jealousy. But I wouldn't give in and wouldn't let go and eventually after much screaming and fighting and crying we went back to his place and fell asleep. We spent the day together, in bed, talking, laughing, eating, drinking and of course making love. That was probably the happiest day Ben and I have spent together in all the years of knowing each other. It was probably one of the most memorable days of my life. There was so much love, all true. And we were both reminded of how well we just fit with each other. 

Ofcourse I kind of ended it with Leo after that. We still talk.... and said we'll still hang out... and he thinks we'll still make love, etc., though we haven't since the weekend but I don't know. I don't think so. I knew quite early that I don't have that magic with him. And after the weekend I know that I'm not over Ben, so I can't be with Leo. 

I'm so damn screwed....... but it feels so good to be with him.... AND I've never seen him this happy. Hmpf, I'm getting that intuitive feeling again that there are more dramas and twists and turns to come before he leaves!

Bad cloudy

Ummm so I may have done something bad....... ok, so I did something bad. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday and I've been wanting to do this with him for years now. There's this lookout and we went there once some 3 years ago and said at the time that we should come back and have never been back. So for his birthday I wanted to take him there to see the sunrise. I asked him whether he would be open to the idea and he said no. Then I asked again and he said no again, but wasn't so sure this time.... So this morning I asked again... and he said no again, but was even less sure about saying no...... I think he might say yes eventually...

I'm sure Leo wouldn't like it if he knew... but I think it's over with Leo. And Ben *sigh* I don't know.

Fingers crossed that things will be fun without fire.

The winner is.....

There is this constant tug-of-war in my head between liking and not liking Ben. And it has renewed with new vigour. This is mostly because I've finally admitted to myself that things with Leo will only go so far. He is not one for me for the long run. Nice and funny and fun, yes. But I can't see a future with him. That's ok, because the way things are with him, making a decision about us is not a pressing matter. So it can stay as it is for a little while. 

Ben. So much potential and depth and unspoken understanding. But at the same time he is so troubled. One thing is for sure, nothing can happen until he has some kind of profound revelation about himself. And the problem is, I don't think he will have a revelation. That requires a miracle and those don't exist. I have to un-obsess. Even if he wanted to be with me and I with him, nothing would improve. Life would not move forward. That's a function solely of him, not of me or our circumstances. 

I just with I knew how not to be so restless. So there is no winner, just a loser, and that's me :-(