Final words

I'm sad today. Not in a teary way, but more like a sadness in the pit of my stomach. A disappointment, a loss, hurt so big and so deep. It's not about letting him go anymore, but about protecting my insides from him.

It's amazing.... the final stab of the knife is not a word said in rage in the heat of the moment, but one uttered quietly in an unguarded instant. A compromise. Apparently that's what I am.

What do you SAY to that?

Balance

Tell me that there is balance in the Universe. 

Tell me.

Show me, assure me. I need to know that there is balance in the Universe..... I just need to know. 

It was a full moon last night... was too cloudy to see it but I saw it the night before. Astrologically Saturn is retrograde (till May) and so is Mercury and we're due another Saturn/Uranus opposition in Feb... great!

Full moons are always rough times emotionally for me and this one lived up to expectations. I found out something Ben did that made me really upset and lose some respect for him. It showed me that he doesn't live by principles.... and I do. So yesterday I was torn between just telling him I'm seeing someone and don't want to talk to him anymore and just going along with it till April till he leaves.... I had it all planned until I saw him and then lost my courage and conviction. Damn!

I think I just need to jump... take a leap and say it to him and that's it. Walk away like I did exactly one year ago. I can't believe I spent another year on him... Wednesday might be the day.

Also eclipse coming on the 26th then another one in Feb..... more upheavals ahead.

Anyway, I went to this brief cruise in the harbour on Saturday. The weather was beautiful and it was a pleasant day. Pics from my phone below...

Alone

It's Christmas day and I'm home all alone. It's not tooo bad, I'm not drowning in sorrow, but it feels strange.

Maybe what feels unnatural is not being away from Ben, but being alone. Humans are social animals. We've evolved with families and communities.

AND I feel like I'm at an age now where I don't want to be alone and that's a justified feeling. I'm learning life's lessons. I treat people well in relationships. I didn't do anything wrong when it came to the relationship with Ben. It was mostly his struggle that I paid for. So I feel like I don't deserve to be alone. Then why am I suffering it?

I will start seeing other people. I just need a little more time to sort Ben out of my head.

It's starting to feel like I tried with Ben and I'm at the end of the line now. Maybe it's time that I cut off that cord connecting him and me.

Tied

Why does it feel unnatural to be away from him? Am I imagining it, based on the past? It is a game, the chase, or is it something bigger? Is this neuroticism or an instinct? 

It feels unnatural for him to not be in my life. When we don't talk, it feels strange. Unnatural. 

I'm going to hibernate for a few days. Be alone with lots of movies and just hibernate. 

My soul feels so empty. It hasn't been good with Ben for a while. Even in bed things haven't felt the same. But when we don't talk, it feels so unnatural. I don't have the urge to call him right away. But I do feel like I want to connect with him somehow. 

This relationship is not healthy for me. But not being in it feels...... like something's missing.... a part of a whole. 

Free!

Ben and I had a talk today again. And we broke up, again. 

I talked a bit and cried a bit and now feel relieved a lot..... phew. 

So I am lonely. But I'm ok. Feel better than I have in this position in the past. 

Now for me. Time to lose some weight and to enjoy life. At least until I have this confidence... and before I crumble with loneliness again.

Looks like a lonely christmas. Hmmmmmm

Time for some happiness in my life and on this blog. 

storms

Something is up today. Was last night as well.... I'm not sure what, but I suspect it's to do with Ben. Last night I was home alone and lonely and sent him a message saying that today I really missed him... he didn't reply, but I didn't expect one.

More to the point, I saw him today and things were fine. But I got that feeling that things are fading between us. I don't know if it's a phase or for good.

I can't get out of it. I think I should try to just distance myself from him and slowly see if it fades away.

Also yesterday I spoke to Leo. He wont give up, but now speaking to him makes me angry... his constant questioning really really bothers me and gets on my nerves.

There is absolutely no future for me and Leo and I wish he would just get that.

It hasn't all been bad. On Sunday Ben and I both had to work but we took a little break in the afternoon and hung out in the park. It was another BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was very nice and there was a cool breeze and Iwas in total weekend mode. It was great.

More pics from my phone cam