hurt

Ben has turned into a psycho bitch. I was so upset yesterday. This whole business with his stereo being returned and so on.... he actually asked me for money for it. Three years vanished in one sms message. He's hurting so much?? Why did he break up with me?? He's so damn messed up. I've seen him upset before, but not like this!

Of course these events make me think... what if we had stayed together and had kids and so on. If something bad would've happened then, or if we'd had a fight would he behave like this then? In front of them? I guess it is better that I'm seeing this side of him now. 

Anyway, I wrote him this email just now. I'm so down about this whole thing. How can you love someone, have something so beautiful and then it ends like this????

I don't think he'll reply. Maybe with just a one-liner - "just give it back" or something. Who knows.....

special birthday

Last weekend was Leo's birthday... met a whole lot of his friends, had a great time, came home at 7 am and had crazy wild sex, fell asleep for a few hours, went home for a little while, then went back to his place and hung out on the floor watching dvds with him lying next to me with one arm around me :-) I'm still glowing from the weekend. 

In the meanwhile, Ben is pissed off! Like really pissed off. He's been angry since he saw me and Leo walking down the street. Apparently he was only about a metre away from me and I didn't see him. To be honest I'm not sure why he's angry. Is it all jealousy or does he still love me?

My bet is on jealousy. But I also know that if he was is my shoes he would've done nothing differently. And the next important question is, do I still love him? We had SUCH a connection, but he's such an asshole sometimes. In an ideal world, he would go away, have some crazy life-changing experiences, become normal again and then come back and find me. But in the real world what's most likely to happen is that he'll leave at the end of the year and I will not meet him ever again... 

Will I meet someone I love that like that ever again? Also unlikely. I just hope I meet someone I really love and who loves me. Deeply, truly. The thing with Leo, it's not for the sex. If I wanted just that, I could've had it with Ben. It's about the companionship. I waited for that from Ben for 3 years while he fucked around. It's time to move forward now. 

Drama King Ben!

Oh my GOD!!! So, Will never called on Saturday. Neither did he reply to my messages or phone calls. Typical. I think I'm done with that. Enough bull shit.

Anyway, Cute Leo and I were on a date last night, walking through the city, and were apparently spotted by Ben! I didn't see him, but he must've been very close because he then sent me a message commenting on Leo's shirt. But Leo was wearing a sweater, so him to see the shirt, he must've been pretty damn close to us. Damn! So he's pretty upset. I'm not tooo surprised by that, I guess. But HE broke up with ME. So how the hell can he be upset?!?!?!

I had to tell Leo about Ben.... I don't think he's 100% comfortable with that... but I'm happier for him to know what's happening.

The truth is, somewhere deep down i think I'm not over Ben. I hope I will get over it because this just cannot continue! He's too messed up to be with anyone right now. Either he has to sort it out and get back with me or I have to just move on.

The sad news is, I think I'm starting to get bored of Leo already...... it's not even 2 weeks yet!! Shit shit. 

Still hurts

Cute Leo is very cute :-) Met him on Friday for the first time.....then again on saturday........ then again on Sunday........ then again on Wednesday....... and I can't wait to see him again! Cute looking and cute personality. 

In the meanwhile Will calls at 1am one night. I don't hear the phone. The guy as good as disappears off the face of the earth for a month and then randomly calls. Turns out he saw me on the street one day and wasn't sure it was me. So he thought of me and called. He wants to meet tomorrow. Well, I'll believe it when it happens. Flaky character when it comes to communication. On one had we had so much friggin instant chemistry but on the other he just stopped talking. I wonder what the deal is with him. Maybe he has a girlfriend or his ex came back into his life.... who knows. Maybe, maybe I'll find out tomorrow.

Anyway, cute Leo... don't know what's going to happen there. I'm a little excited and a little happy and a little scared.

Thinking of Ben still hurts. I will just return his gear and stop talking to him. What the hell was wrong with me back in March to give him another chance!?!?!?!

 

eclipse time!

There's a good feeling in the air. Looks like it's going to storm outside. There's a solar eclipse later tonight.... There's a good good feeling in the air. 

Time to let things go. To move on. To go on a date with a cute Leo. 

Change is afoot! Let go!!!!!!!

Floating through time

I can't seem to get Ben out of my mind. In actual fact, he was quite a jerk most of the time. And if I think back, I probably spent more of the time being unhappy than being truly happy. The good times were just so high and the bad so low. It's the drama that seems to amplify what we had in my mind. My brain keeps telling me it was actually not that good. We have a lot of potential, but the world doesn't just work on potential. There have to be actions. 

It's like that story from Chicken soup for the soul - "what you're doing speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you're saying". And by that, what he was doing was screaming "messed up, haven't figured myself out, very low self esteem that I try to boost by either putting other people down or by sleeping with many women". Then why was I so attracted to him? Why can't I get him out of my mind? The sad and confronting truth is that it's because a)I became addicted to the drama of it all, b) I've forgotten what I was by myself before I met him. 3 years of being with him managed to do that to me (Imagine what a lifetime would've been like!) and c) he's extremely emotionally manipulative and I fell for it. And I think there were some times that really were very good. 

It's like Nikki Gemmell says in Pleasure, "I went back again and again. Just as I extricating myself he'd call and sleep with me and the spiral of exhilaration and terror would begin all over again. He was the rock upon which I would break and break". It's as if it was written about me! And that's sad. 

To pull myself out of this emotionally will take time. But the alternative isn't really an alternative. Time is the only answer. And patience for myself. I still maintain that we have so much potential, but of course, the world doesn't run on potential.

Diary of a lonely cloud

I'm stuck. This feels like a rut but it's the same rut from years ago. A deep sense of dissatisfaction. Like I keep trying to find the thing that will bring me peace and warmth inside, but just can't seem to find it. I'm lonely. Deeply lonely. I am dating guys but none of them are it. It just doesn't click. With Ben there's the potential for something really good, but he's not in the right place in life for it, even if he wanted a relationship. Friends aren't working. I don't have the energy for Sophie's immaturity and frankly no patience to justify my private life to anyone, which seems necessary to be in a friendship.

Work is going, but so. damn. slowly. The answer probably is to stick with work. To throw myself into it. That is mostly what I'm doing, but the problem is that time when I come home after a long day. Most days I'm tired as hell and am happy to just watch a movie and then head to bed. But the other times when I'm restless I just want to talk to someone. I mean really TALK. And smile with someone. And share something warm. Those times I'm really lonely. 

There's a part in every adult's heart that cannot be filled by friends and family or with hobbies and shiny new gadgets. All those things will just temporarily distract you, but eventually your mind will return to that void. And the pain and emptiness will be back.