Alone

It's Christmas day and I'm home all alone. It's not tooo bad, I'm not drowning in sorrow, but it feels strange.

Maybe what feels unnatural is not being away from Ben, but being alone. Humans are social animals. We've evolved with families and communities.

AND I feel like I'm at an age now where I don't want to be alone and that's a justified feeling. I'm learning life's lessons. I treat people well in relationships. I didn't do anything wrong when it came to the relationship with Ben. It was mostly his struggle that I paid for. So I feel like I don't deserve to be alone. Then why am I suffering it?

I will start seeing other people. I just need a little more time to sort Ben out of my head.

It's starting to feel like I tried with Ben and I'm at the end of the line now. Maybe it's time that I cut off that cord connecting him and me.

Tied

Why does it feel unnatural to be away from him? Am I imagining it, based on the past? It is a game, the chase, or is it something bigger? Is this neuroticism or an instinct? 

It feels unnatural for him to not be in my life. When we don't talk, it feels strange. Unnatural. 

I'm going to hibernate for a few days. Be alone with lots of movies and just hibernate. 

My soul feels so empty. It hasn't been good with Ben for a while. Even in bed things haven't felt the same. But when we don't talk, it feels so unnatural. I don't have the urge to call him right away. But I do feel like I want to connect with him somehow. 

This relationship is not healthy for me. But not being in it feels...... like something's missing.... a part of a whole. 

Free!

Ben and I had a talk today again. And we broke up, again. 

I talked a bit and cried a bit and now feel relieved a lot..... phew. 

So I am lonely. But I'm ok. Feel better than I have in this position in the past. 

Now for me. Time to lose some weight and to enjoy life. At least until I have this confidence... and before I crumble with loneliness again.

Looks like a lonely christmas. Hmmmmmm

Time for some happiness in my life and on this blog. 

storms

Something is up today. Was last night as well.... I'm not sure what, but I suspect it's to do with Ben. Last night I was home alone and lonely and sent him a message saying that today I really missed him... he didn't reply, but I didn't expect one.

More to the point, I saw him today and things were fine. But I got that feeling that things are fading between us. I don't know if it's a phase or for good.

I can't get out of it. I think I should try to just distance myself from him and slowly see if it fades away.

Also yesterday I spoke to Leo. He wont give up, but now speaking to him makes me angry... his constant questioning really really bothers me and gets on my nerves.

There is absolutely no future for me and Leo and I wish he would just get that.

It hasn't all been bad. On Sunday Ben and I both had to work but we took a little break in the afternoon and hung out in the park. It was another BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was very nice and there was a cool breeze and Iwas in total weekend mode. It was great.

More pics from my phone cam

cycles

Was just reading the forecast for november for Ben's star and mine and apparently things are due to change at the end of November. And something sudden and bad related to his career is due in mid December.

I think he'll leave in December and not return. Like I told Leo it's going to be a bit sad, but largely a relief. 

Actually the truth is, I'm really looking forward to him leaving. I know I will be sad. I can see it coming. But my head is telling me that he has to be gone so I can get on with my life. 

I've given him enough. 

Just get away from me.

Leave

I just want Ben to leave. Leave this place and leave me for good. Once he's gone, I'll have nothing to do with him. I don't want to know where or how he is. I just want him to be gone from my life and to free me.

Or for him to stay for good. This in between thing is tying me up  for no reason.

Time

So Ben and I are kinda back together, I guess. We've spent a quite a bit of time together over the past few months and even went away travelling a couple of times. It's been good. Not all the time, but mostly.

Of course when things start to go well, you start to look forward. It occurred to me that in January it'll have been another year of my life standing still with Ben, rather than moving forward, since the last time I though that. I don't know what to do.

I tried to bring up the topic with him and he totally shut me down. So we can't talk about it. Besides, I think if we do talk about it, it's going to end in us breaking up again. But I also feel like I'm getting older and standing still. I'd like to be moving forward. 

Don't know what to do.