cycles

Was just reading the forecast for november for Ben's star and mine and apparently things are due to change at the end of November. And something sudden and bad related to his career is due in mid December.

I think he'll leave in December and not return. Like I told Leo it's going to be a bit sad, but largely a relief. 

Actually the truth is, I'm really looking forward to him leaving. I know I will be sad. I can see it coming. But my head is telling me that he has to be gone so I can get on with my life. 

I've given him enough. 

Just get away from me.

Leave

I just want Ben to leave. Leave this place and leave me for good. Once he's gone, I'll have nothing to do with him. I don't want to know where or how he is. I just want him to be gone from my life and to free me.

Or for him to stay for good. This in between thing is tying me up  for no reason.

Time

So Ben and I are kinda back together, I guess. We've spent a quite a bit of time together over the past few months and even went away travelling a couple of times. It's been good. Not all the time, but mostly.

Of course when things start to go well, you start to look forward. It occurred to me that in January it'll have been another year of my life standing still with Ben, rather than moving forward, since the last time I though that. I don't know what to do.

I tried to bring up the topic with him and he totally shut me down. So we can't talk about it. Besides, I think if we do talk about it, it's going to end in us breaking up again. But I also feel like I'm getting older and standing still. I'd like to be moving forward. 

Don't know what to do.

No fun without fire

Of course where Ben is concerned there is no such thing as fun without fire... I always have the best fun and always get burned around him.

He said yes in the end, of course, but after a great great night it was all (almost) ruined when Leo called.......and kept calling...... and messaging...... even at 4.45am..... this pissed off Ben like nothing else. He exploded and was truly burning with jealousy. But I wouldn't give in and wouldn't let go and eventually after much screaming and fighting and crying we went back to his place and fell asleep. We spent the day together, in bed, talking, laughing, eating, drinking and of course making love. That was probably the happiest day Ben and I have spent together in all the years of knowing each other. It was probably one of the most memorable days of my life. There was so much love, all true. And we were both reminded of how well we just fit with each other. 

Ofcourse I kind of ended it with Leo after that. We still talk.... and said we'll still hang out... and he thinks we'll still make love, etc., though we haven't since the weekend but I don't know. I don't think so. I knew quite early that I don't have that magic with him. And after the weekend I know that I'm not over Ben, so I can't be with Leo. 

I'm so damn screwed....... but it feels so good to be with him.... AND I've never seen him this happy. Hmpf, I'm getting that intuitive feeling again that there are more dramas and twists and turns to come before he leaves!

Bad cloudy

Ummm so I may have done something bad....... ok, so I did something bad. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday and I've been wanting to do this with him for years now. There's this lookout and we went there once some 3 years ago and said at the time that we should come back and have never been back. So for his birthday I wanted to take him there to see the sunrise. I asked him whether he would be open to the idea and he said no. Then I asked again and he said no again, but wasn't so sure this time.... So this morning I asked again... and he said no again, but was even less sure about saying no...... I think he might say yes eventually...

I'm sure Leo wouldn't like it if he knew... but I think it's over with Leo. And Ben *sigh* I don't know.

Fingers crossed that things will be fun without fire.

The winner is.....

There is this constant tug-of-war in my head between liking and not liking Ben. And it has renewed with new vigour. This is mostly because I've finally admitted to myself that things with Leo will only go so far. He is not one for me for the long run. Nice and funny and fun, yes. But I can't see a future with him. That's ok, because the way things are with him, making a decision about us is not a pressing matter. So it can stay as it is for a little while. 

Ben. So much potential and depth and unspoken understanding. But at the same time he is so troubled. One thing is for sure, nothing can happen until he has some kind of profound revelation about himself. And the problem is, I don't think he will have a revelation. That requires a miracle and those don't exist. I have to un-obsess. Even if he wanted to be with me and I with him, nothing would improve. Life would not move forward. That's a function solely of him, not of me or our circumstances. 

I just with I knew how not to be so restless. So there is no winner, just a loser, and that's me :-(

Beautiful

Was walking home after getting some groceries today and realised that it was a stunningly beautiful day. So instead of going home I took a turn and headed for the park and just lay there in the grass. 

I was SO happy..... somehow happy doesn't seem like the right word.... more like peaceful, satisfied, kinda like content. I was intending to stay for a few minutes but ended up staying for almost 3 hours.

I think the positive feelings from that still haven't left me. It's like the day left me with a inner smile and it's still there. Is it possible that things are taking a turn for the better in my life?? :-)

These pics were taken with my phone camera.