The point

It's been a long while since I've written. So much has happened. Boy and I are now together. Except he lives really really far away. I've been there to visit him, twice. But still the distance....

It's been 9 months since we've been together, but we've only really spent 3 of those together in one place... that too cumulatively. We keep saying to each other we have something good. Something solid. But I'm not so sure anymore.

I like him. A lot. In fact, I think I love him. And he tells me he loves me too. But things haven't been the same since I last went there. I'm staring to doubt whether he really feels that way. The difficulty is, there has been no one thing he has said or done that I can point to that makes me think this, but somehow, there's something. Something subtle. The little things that really make me wonder.... Maybe it's the stress of everyday life and nothing more. Maybe we've just gotten out of the honeymoon period and this is real life. I don't know....

If there isn't something wonderful what's the point of doing this distance thing then...???

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness..... truth, beauty and a picture of you....

Wow it's been so so long since I've been on. What a whirlwind few months!

After Ben's departure I had a month totally to myself. It was tough. Lots of confusing and depressing things to deal with. It's well and good that I accept that I was responsible for a lot of the shit he put me through, but I still went through the shit. The disappointment, the lies, the cheating and the profound hurt.....but still, it was the tail-end of cyclone Ben. It was purging of him from me and from my life. And then, just as if on cue arrives Boy into my life.

Boy is a friend of a friend who I've been hearing about for a couple of years. Apparently Boy saw a pic of me on facebook around two years ago and was interested but I was busy dealing with Ben at the time. Turns out Boy met someone else in the meanwhile, then went overseas for a while, broke up with the someone else and returned to visit his old home town. That's when we met, and did we meet! We were out having drinks when he arrived around 9pm to meet our mutual friend. We were being set up and we both knew it and were curious to see how it would go. We started talking around nine and didn't stop, literally didn't stop till about 4am! We were still with the group for most of that time and we went to 3 other bars and a McDonalds on the way, some of them got into a fight with someone at McD, we gained people and lost people from the group, but the two of us hardly noticed. We were becoming more and more entranced with each other.

Eventually it was just the two of us left and we ended up at some crap bar at 1am and got closer and closer. He kissed me, I had my legs draped across his lap and my head resting on his shoulder. He was a gentleman but with the right amount of boldness. I liked it! A lot! I left feeling like I was on a cloud. He messaged me on the way home, I went home and slept like a baby.

The next night I was supposed to be meeting Leo for a drink. Maybe we can be friends, I thought. Earlier in the day I had a date with another boy I'd met a week before I met Boy, Manni. Between the two boys though I managed to see Boy for a few mins. It was just on the street and we just met quickly, hugged and said hi and bye but I think I needed it. To remind me that the night before was real. It wasn't just two drunk and lonely people happening to meet at the right time. We really had something.

The next day I had a date with Boy. A real one. We talked and sat in the sun and kissed and kissed and kissed. I was that butterflies in the stomach kinda magic. It was the beginning. The next few weeks were just perfect fun. We met almost everyday. The sex was fun and the cooking was awesome. We laughed a LOT and joked a lot and discovered that we have a lot of things in common, including what we want out of our futures.

Boy was in town for a total of 5 weeks. I went to the airport to say goodbye to him and I really was afraid of losing him. I almost wished I hadn't met him cos you know, I don't believe in long distance relationships. You can't have those after just 5 weeks anyway. He left, we hugged, and said we'd see each other again soon. He got home and somehow we've managed to keep in touch all this time. I'm not sure how it's all working out so far. I'm still pleasantly amazed when i receive an email or phone call from him. He is soooo far away and we were only together in person for 5 weeks, but I miss him. I miss seeing him and laughing with him and telling him about my day and waking up next to him.

The plan is to see each other again in October. *sigh* I can't wait, but I am also afraid. He's really good looking and women do throw themselves at him. He says he's waiting for me and I believe him, but he's a young, funny, fun good looking man and I'm afraid...... but also excited :-)

It's scary cos sometimes I really wonder if I'm in love with him, then catch myself thinking like that and feel totally stupid. How can you be in love with someone you've only been around in person for 5 weeks?! And how can you know for sure he'll wait. We have trust, but I just don't know him that well yet. And this kinda good happy cute thing doesn't happen to me. It hasn't yet. I'm trying to protect myself but keeping a mild distance, but I still catch myself smiling when I think of him. And i miss him and i hope like hell he feels the same way!

The lyrics are from a song by the Whitlams

A letter to you on a cassette
'Cause we don't write anymore
Gotta make it up quickly
There's people asleep on the second floor
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth beauty and a picture of you
You'll be walking your dog in a few hours
I'll be asleep in my brother's house
You're a thousand miles away
With food between your teeth
Come up for summer I've got a place near the beach
There's room for your dog
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth beauty and a picture of you
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Youth truth beauty fame boredom and a bottle of pills
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
You shouldn't leave me alone
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Bare feet like a tom-boy and a crooked smile
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence
Saturday and a picture of you
A letter to you on a cassette
You shouldn't leave me alone
Forty shaved sexy wants to do it all day
With a gun-totin' trigger-happy tranny named Kinky Rene
Tired teacher twenty-eight seeks regular meetings for masculine muscular nappy-clad brutal breeding
While his wife rough-wrestles with a puppy all aquiver
on a wine-soaked strobe-lit Asiatic hall of mirrors and a dash of loneliness
There's no aphrodisiac quite like it
Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence impunity and a picture of you
I got a video set-up me love you short time she pay me suck his finger with some fine wine

The past couple of weeks have been very up and down, internally. I've felt exhausted and depressed and peaceful and exhilarated at the same time. Nothing is calm yet. Nothing is resolved. I still haven't found the peace I seek. Every time I think I've put something to rest inside, a provocateur arises from outside. My love was wasted, so was so much effort, not just with him but fighting for him. And in the end I'm still losing. I'm so tired.

chaos and silence

It's not just me.... the last couple of weeks have been intense for so many people I know. M's 4-year relationship ended. C's engagement broke off, then P came back asking her to take him back - and all the drama associated with that. D's relationship with S is facing some serious questions... they have to be answered otherwise the future will be always shaky. MH quit her job cos she can't bear to work for R anymore, but R is upset and angry and baffled. JH has been so so angry with JR and again, JR seems not to know where it's all coming from... he's baffled too. And of course there's me and Ben and our drama. Not to mention I heard from MW and RS last week and I got back in touch with AS after him not talking to me for a year. Talk about intense!!! I'm exhausted. 

But I have to say, today, after my earlier post I feel the ground under my feet again. Like something clicked into place in my brain. He didn't really hurt me without my consent... he did hurt me, but I was willing too, for FOUR BLOODY YEARS!!! There's some kind of relief in taking responsibility. It's like I know now... and accept I made a mistake and I shouldn't do it again. I feel something like peace.... it's not quite peace..... stillness, maybe. Yeah, stillness. 

all the way down

Last year I saw the movie 'Once' and fell totally in love with the music. Of course the main song went on to win the best song oscar. But this one from the soundtrack spoke to something personal and intimate and hidden.

So sad to think that I identify with this. This stupid blog has become a chronicle of my fall into depths of darkness. Sometimes I think, entirely self-inflicted. I had the choice to walk away and I didn't. That's so pathetic of me. In a way he's right. I can't blame him at all. I want him to stop and take responsibility but I don't do so myself for the choices I made. Poor poor choices and poor poor character judging. And really if I didn't like it so much, if he caused me so much agony why did I keep going back? Why did I subject myself to it? This is not an excuse for him for treating me badly, he still absolutely should not have. But I also should not have treated me so badly. Why did it take so long for that light bulb to go off in my head?

You have broken me all the way down,
down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

a date

I have a date with destiny.... it's April 9th. Ben booked his ticket finally and he's leaving on April 9th. Almost exactly 4 years after we met.

I feel a strange mix of emotions... mostly fear of the unknown. I've changed a lot in the last 4 years and during everything in that time he's always been around, mostly in the foreground but also in the background. I haven't really known myself without him in 4 years.

Maybe all the cliches about singledom are true... it allows you to get to know yourself. But also remember, dear universe, that I don't need forever to know myself :-) I'd like a companion too.

In the mean while, I had a meeting with my boss about the direction of my work for the next year. He was enthusiastic and I think I have his support for my ideas. Now I need to put my head down and butt up and just keep moving forward. Oh please god let that be stable. I can handle my personal life falling apart if some other aspect of my life stays stable.

I have to trust the universe that things are taken care of... it's hard to do... this kind of trust with my life, not trying to control and direct it is hard. I found this poem the other day and it sums it up well.

It’s rigged — everything, in your favor.

So there is nothing to worry about.
Is there some position you want,


some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,


maybe two, maybe three, maybe four — all at once,

maybe a relationship


with

God?

I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it

the wonderment of the earth’s gifts

you will lay aside


as naturally as does

a child a

doll.

But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal:


comfort, fulfill yourself,


in any way possible — do that until

you ache, until you ache,

then come to me


again.



– Rumi

time

Sad but true: I'm almost counting down the days till Ben leaves for good. I know I'm going to be sad. Such a big chapter of my life will end. But then again, for the next chapter to start, this has to end, he has to leave, since he doesn't want any part in the next one.

I'll wake up once he's gone and realise I'm standing alone somewhere..... Scary to think of it. But it's also a relief to think that once he IS gone, things will be more peaceful. The problem with the relationship with him is that knowing that there's no future is so crushing. Everything feels futile. There's not even a reason to feel jealous anymore.

I have no idea what it's going to be like, to be honest. I have a feeling that it might be worse than I expect. Bad things often are..... will just have to wait and see. And remember the bad times as well as the good...


In the meanwhile, went to Luna Park on the weekend. Was lots and lots of fun. Pics from phone below

The crazy face at night..

The bridge from the ferris wheel. I loooooveee ferris wheels!!